Trying to be ‘Pretty’


My whole life I’ve never felt ‘pretty’ enough! From my teenage years right up until now, at 28, I’m still struggling to fall in love with myself.

Self-confidence issues are rife amongst women and men of all ages. The reasons many us have low self confidence are often similar, acne, weight, issues with facial features..the list goes on. Well here’s mine.

If you have been reading my blog for a while then you are all aware that I suffer from Female Pattern Baldness, but I’ve been owning that, making light of that and in spite of it have never felt more confident in myself.

That is until today.

In the past year and a half I have made MASSIVE strides in regaining my self confidence and owning my insecurities….and my balding head. Only for it to once again be knocked.

Before I go on, I know there are a hell of a lot of people that have it a lot worse than me, I’m not sick, I’ve no disabilities so I am by no means comparing my ‘problems’ to anything of that severity. However, these are my ‘problems’, so they can hit me hard because they are mine to face and deal with.

For years I feel I’ve faked self confidence, fake it till you make it and all that. This year I have had messages from people who have regained some self confidence all because of my blog or my interview on the Rose of Tralee, which is absolutely incredible!

However for years I have been ‘trying to be pretty’. It’s probably why I can’t take compliments, I always respond with an excuse or a joke. 

It all started with my teeth, I had over crowding. I hated my teeth. I got braces! Over the years my teeth have slipped a little, nothing major, but something I’d like to get fixed. However, one day because I can live with it.

In that time I also started to get acne, I went on the pill. It helped, but didn’t clear it, so I just got on with it. I then found out I’ve PCOS which was the main reason for my breakouts. I use masks and have a good skin care routine to help combat it. OK, I can live with that.

I have some scarring due to my acne and not knowing when I was younger that you don’t pick holes in your face. I’ve had a consultation for microdermabrasion and chemical peels. OK, I can live with that.

I gained some weight in my early twenties, which I wasn’t happy about, so I joined Slimming World and lost it. Now I eat a lot healthier, most of the time, and go to the gym, most of the time. OK I can live with that.

I’ve a full head of tape extensions and use a combination of hair fibres and scalp concealing lotion to hide my thinning hair and visible scalp. I’ve learned, in the last year, to live with this. ‘Treat it like putting on your make up’ is what I tell myself and why I call it my hair make up. It’s why I call myself a Balding Beauty and why I call anyone with thinning hair, hairloss or no hair a Balding Beauty. OK I can live with this.

I’ve had to wear glasses from around the age of 7/8. The older I got the more I hated wearing my glasses, especially when I had braces. That’s how stereotypical ‘geeks’ who are often found unattractive or undesirable are portrayed.

On a side note I hate the word geek when referring to someone who likes sci-fi, computers or superheroes. I love all three, I was a programmer in college (CMM4 Programmer of the year I’ll have you know), Im obsessed with superhero films and sci-fi shows. 

I especially hate wearing glasses on a night out. So I got contact lenses. OK, I can live with that.

Now my eyes have dried up. So wearing lenses is proving to be problematic, as in I can’t really anymore. Laser eye surgery may not be an option either.

Again this may be trivial….to you.

I’ve tried most of my teenage life and all of my adult life to ‘improve’ or just work with I have.

Combat the issues I have that are bringing my self confidence down. I’m a firm believer that, if it gives you confidence then do it! (to an extent). It’s why I have my extensions, hair make, make up, contact lenses and have planned to have chemical peels and microdermabrasion. Hell, its why I love getting my nails done every four weeks!

I want to make it clear, I DO NOT…DO NOT, do any of this to impress anyone else! This is all for ME. For my self confidence and to make ME feel good about MYself.

Having to wear glasses all the time might not seem like something that causes a self confidence crisis to most, so let me break it down for you.

I went swimming, for the first time in almost 10 years last year. My insecurities with my hairloss prevented me from swimming for so long and last year, at the water parks, it was such a victory for me. I love swimming, I can’t swim with glasses on my face and I can’t see without them, so swimmings back out the window.

For years I wanted to look like a ‘normal’ girl and did anything I could to achieve that. I’ve felt like less of a woman, I’ve called myself a creature, a goblin, a whole host of self deprecating disgusting things, due to my hair loss and the anxiety that came with it. I feel like I’m coming out the other side now.

This, however has knocked me a little, for the evening at least. So I’m writing and I’ve cried…a lot.

I hate wearing my glasses when I’m going out or to an event. It’s just a thing that I have. I think it takes away from my ‘look’ and you cannot see the effort I’ve made on my eye make up if I’ve glasses covering it up, I mean, come on. 🙂

Now it is one more thing that I am just going to have to say, OK I can live with that.

BUT for now I’m pissed off and I’m upset! Can a balding, spotty, anxiety ridden, blind 28 year-old gal catch a bloody break?

Rant over!

Laser eye surgery consultation booked.

Balding Beauties Unite!

Update: Since writing this three days ago, I have calmed down a little :). This is the joys of anxiety rearing its head. Because of my hair loss, it’s easy for my anxiety and for myself to be harsh and attack how I look. BUT as always, it never wins!
I’ve looked up different styles of glasses and I’m going to ‘treat’ myself to a new pair. I’ve researched the best eye drops for dry eyes so that I might be able to get some sort of wear out of my contact lenses, on occasion of course! From drops, sprays and eye masks, I’ll be testing them all. Reviews will follow for anyone else with dry eyes. Tips are always welcome. 

AJ xX

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